Searching For Understanding, Finding My Heart

For a long time I wondered how I could have strayed so far from the love and light of my first 18 years of life. I grew up with a very close relationship to amazing parents, an awesome brother, and no trauma. I always had a girlfriend and lots of friends. I had all the talent I could have hoped for, a star in hockey, baseball, and track, and had for a time dedicated myself to bodybuilding with amazing results. I succeeded at everything I put myself into. Ideal.

So why in my late teens did I assume the moniker of ‘Mr. Misanthrope’, and begin writing poetry about death, hatred and anger?

“I never seem to smile much, I’m happy when I’m sad,
pain can always bring a grin, I’m good at being bad…”

Why did I turn to massive amounts of drugs and alcohol, dress in all black and leather, and steep myself in a lifestyle of darkness, horror and contempt?

Why did I become an intimidating, mean, 210lb, long haired deathbanger? (the name given to an unsavory character who listens to the most extreme music imaginable. Actually, it’s beyond imaginable…)

Who knows.

At this point in my life I have no interest in stories and the only reason to ever recall mine is to share it here. The good news is, looking back it seems I may have finally become tired of the dark. So tired.

In my mid-twenties I had become so accustomed to the dark, that my eyes had become acutely sensitive to the light. Like a prisoner in a black jail cell, any light that accidentally creeps in through a crack was captured and held.

Saturated by the dark, I began to wonder about that light. Soaked by the dark, I began to hunt for the light. I secretly called myself The Light Hunter (a name I have shared with only two others, till now). I began my journey out of the darkness of ignorance and confusion, in search of the light of understanding and wisdom.

In my travels I encountered countless perspectives regarding what our basic problems are as human beings, and why we cause ourselves and those we care about so much unnecessary suffering. Often the perspectives I was exposed to offered a kind of 1-2-3 understanding.

1. The problem – which was often a lack of understanding, and the confused way of life that results from that lack
2. The solution – which was often a new understanding that needed to be implemented repeatedly
3. The result – which was often clear seeing and wisdom, which leads to a new way of life

I found that many of the wisdom traditions also promoted the benefits of increased compassion, care, and concern. These benefits were not only a goal of the traditions, but also the path, which means compassion could be seen as a practice or way of life in and of itself.

It is at this point especially relevant for the purposes of this book that I must be honest that I had absolutely no interest in the ideas of compassion, care, and concern. In fact, the ideas of compassion, care, and concern sort of repulsed me. Sappy, flaky, bleah!

I was very clear at that time that it was understanding I was looking for, and I could care less about other people and the world I lived in. As far as I was concerned I was looking out for number 1, let everyone else figure it out on their own.

Fast forward after almost two decades of ruthlessly practicing what I call being Awake, or energetically connected to my present experience with awareness and attention in all situations and circumstances. What I have found is very surprising to me and forms the basis for this book. What I have found is that, in accordance with the world’s wisdom traditions, Understanding = Compassion

I went in search of understanding and finally found my heart.

Last night, as I did my rounds in the Continuing Care Unit I am so fortunate to spend time at, it is Understanding that compels me. It is Understanding that compels me to …

… enter the rooms of those I care so deeply for and offer comfort, touch, concern and humor.

… hold a loving eye contact beyond the point of my own comfort, ensuring them that I see them completely.

… hold priorities that place time with my residents far beyond the administrative duties that crush so many care providers.

… open my heart in the midst of a world full of chaos, confusion, and suffering, knowing that soon it will all be over and that any love and kindness I have left ungiven will die with me.

Yes, Understanding = Compassion.

May these words help you and those you care about in some small way.